The Secret the Gluten Free Community Doesn't Want You to Know
You may have heard that gluten free is a diet fad. I mean, if celebrities do it, the rest of us follow, right? You may have heard that gluten intolerance isn’t even a thing, celiac either for that matter.
I’m here to tell you what the whole gluten-free community doesn’t want you to know: we’re not gluten free because gluten makes us sick (what’s a little diarrhea? Or Hashimoto’s? Seriously.), or because some skinny famous chick says it’s cool (though we all want to be skinny, don’t we?). We’re gluten free because it’s FUN.
Yes, living a gluten free life is about the most fun you can have with your clothes on, or off for that matter. It’s more fun than birthdays or mini golf or getting your hair done. No joke.
Think about it. In case you haven’t noticed, the value of gluten free foods is AMAZING. What other diet can give me a box of twelve cookies, each the size of my big toe, for only $5? Them's some economical cookies! And don’t even get me started on the variety. Like, wow, I can choose from three different brands of pasta in two shapes. How fun is that? Plus all this selection in one aisle at the grocery store? Pow! Grocery shopping just got a makeover, peeps.
If that’s not enough, imagine the endless assortment of goodies I can make at home, because, okay, here’s another secret: gluten free folk love, and I mean LOVE to cook. Now, I’m going to tell you something that’ll make all my fellow gluten free friends totes jelly—in my house, we don’t eat eggs or dairy or soy either. So cooking is even MORE fun!
I adore Friday pizza night So Much More than I ever did on gluten, because I have No Choice but to make the crust myself. Because, duh, a pre-made gluten-egg-dairy-soy-free crust doesn’t exist (except at my house! Because I’m such a gluten free cooking goddess!). No Take-Out for us! And hey, if the fam wants to go to JT’s for our weekly pie, well, I can nosh on some greens. Extra points for me.
Like can you imagine the superiority I feel when everyone noms that fluffy wedding cake?
“You’re not having any?”
“Dude, I don’t even want it.”
“Wow, your self control blows my mind.”
“Right? I know.”
Hey, speaking of family togetherness, holidays for us gluten free folk are the Bomb. Come November and December if I’m not mixing up a batch of gluten free sugar cookies (hello, heaven), I’m packing a single-serve meal to take to the big family shin-dig. Better than best, I don’t even have to share.
Here’s the thing, none of us gluten free eaters even like your green bean casserole, your turkey, or cranberry sauce, or apple pie. We’ve eaten them every Thanksgiving for years just to be polite. All those "Yums" and "Wow, Gram this is amazing"s? Faked it. But now we don’t have to. Because we’re gluten free! And we’d never ask you to provide food we can eat since we’d rather sit with our bento box of homemade goodness anyway.
Though if you do try to make us something gluten free, well, that’s fun too. Let’s say Aunt Selma corners me at the Christmas buffet with a gooey, rich, delicious-looking plate of brownies. “They’re made with black beans, can you believe it? They’re gluten free! Just for you!”
Yes, I’ll take that brownie because I love living on the wild side. We all love it. Even more than we love being in the kitchen—because every meal we don’t make ourselves is a game of Russian Roulette. “Thanks, Auntie! Mmm, so chocolaty.”
“Yes? And the secret ingredient—Soy Sauce!”
And here is where we gluten free folk really shine. We get to show off everything we know about gluten, like, “You know, soy sauce is made from wheat…”
“No, silly, it’s soy sauce!”
“No, really. Soybeans and wheat. Like, fermented or something.”
“Well, be glad you’re not allergic to wheat. My neighbor’s nephew is allergic to peanuts, and my goodness aren’t they in everything? Can you even imagine how hard….”
She’s right, though. Being gluten free is even more fun for kids. Church potlucks, parties, even children love watching everyone else fill their plates with noodles and cookies. And let’s not forget birthday treats, sleepovers, classroom parties. GF Junior will get that awesome single-serve box from home, because hello, it is SO much more fun than the cinnamon-dusted donut on the field trip to the orchard. Plus, everyone will notice, and that’s what it’s all about, right?
Here’s the real secret: gluten free people adore attention. Like really, really crave it. If we didn’t, we’d just be vegetarian. Because asking for the meatless option at an upscale restaurant is cool. We don’t want to be cool. Are you kidding me? We want to be inconvenient and high maintenance and annoying! We absolutely live for it.
I have a teenager, right? Nothing is better than limiting his fast food options to the two places I can safely eat, both of which he hates.
“Oh my God, Mom, we all have to suffer because of your Gluten Affliction?”
Ha. Mission accomplished.
I mean we’re not quite as annoying as, say, Chemo Guy who’s all like, “Man, wash your hands so I don’t catch your cold and die,” but we’re close. Nobody’s perfect.
So if you find a good meme about what a pain gluten free folk are, or uncover a clip of some comedian making fun of us, share it. In fact, tag us! This is where being gluten free is so FUN I can’t believe everyone doesn’t pick it up—because who wouldn’t love being called annoying, selfish, rude, ungrateful, hypochondriacal, deluded, mindlessly-fad-following, or ignorant? I know I do.
Every now and then I’ll be extra nice. I’ll go someplace with no gluten-free options and drink water while watching the rest of the family eat. H@ll, why not? It’s fun!